Zexion House, MD
by justplainrii
Summary: When Aerith falls mysteriously ill at a party, the only one who can possibly cure her is the snarky, pill popping Zexion House, and his team of doctors.  Will they heal her, or will they be too late?  HouseKH crossover, crack.  Possible oneshot.


"Who's ready for some cake?"

Aerith grinned as several happy, smiling faces confirmed her suspicions, and asked for cake. "All right, all right! I'll go inside and get it," she said, and stepped inside, where Tifa was getting out cartons of ice cream.

"This was such a great idea, Aerith! Everyone all together like this," she said, stacking a package of vanilla atop a strawberry.

"I know! I was itching to bake a cake, too," Aerith added with a laugh. "How's Cloud doing? We cheering him up all right?"

Tifa peered out the window to take a look at Cloud; he had broken his arm and gotten quite depressed about it, so Aerith suggested they throw a party to get him in better spirits. Currently, he wasn't smiling. "Ehh... I dunno, we'll have to see," said Tifa, and Aerith frowned a bit as she took her cake out of the fridge. "Don't worry about it! Everything's better with cake and ice cream!"  
Aerith smiled, and held the strawberry confection a little higher. "Indeed! Let's get this served."

The women stepped outside, where the cake and ice cream was received with cheers as they placed it on a table.

"Cloud, you'll get yours first," Aerith said, producing a knife and cutting him a generous piece of cake, and handing it to him. "Come on, no frowns! We're going to have a good time. Smile!"

As Cloud took the cake, the corners of his mouth turned up ever-so-slightly, and Yuffie, noticing, began to laugh.

"Lookit that!" she said. "Someone decided to cheer up!"

Cloud immediately began to blush, and stopped smiling, but by now the good-natured laughs were in abundance. Aerith laughed as well, but stopped as she felt a strange pain in her chest. Tifa, who was scooping some ice cream for Barret, saw.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, just... a little sore rib," replied Aerith. "Must have strained it on something... unh!" The pain became stronger, concentrated near her heart, and she fell to her knees.

"Aerith!" said Cloud, getting up and putting his arm on her shoulder as she clenched her fists together in pain. "Are you okay?"

Aerith snarled and slapped him in the face, her face screwed up into a fierce glare.

"Aerith, woah, what's going on?" said Tifa, rushing towards her. Aerith snapped to her feet and took a swipe at Tifa, before seeing the knife on the table and grabbing it.

"Get the hell out of the way, she's gone nuts!" Cid yelled, diving away as the rest of them scattered.

"Aerith, what's wrong with you?" said Tifa, frightened, alarmed, and attempting to stay out of the way of the knife. Aerith did not reply, her eyes darting from side to side as she snarled in an almost feral way. Suddenly, she dropped the knife and collapsed to her knees again, although this time she passed out and toppled over after reaching the ground.

As Cloud and Tifa rushed to see if she was okay, Yuffie cried, "Somebody call 911!"

The party was definitely over.

-- ZEXION HOUSE, M.D. --

"He's got a... runny nose," the mouse on the elephant's shoulder reported, and the elephant sniffed. "An' he's tired all the time."

Doctor Zexion House sighed, rolling his eyes towards the ceiling as he fingered his cane. Cuddy had assigned him to near-constant clinic duty that week (his payment for the whole Tritter fiasco, unfortunately for him), which was a torture worse than anything likely to be found on the Ninth Circle of Hell, he reckoned. The clinic always attracted the worst sorts of idiots.

"He has a cold. Go home, have him drink some fluids, sleep, and maybe have a nip of brandy," he replied to the creature, before peering at him through his uncovered eye. "He _is_ of legal age, I'm guessing?"

"Uh-huh," the mouse replied, nodding.

"Good. Go home," he said curtly, and the mouse nodded, directing his companio out the extra-large door for the less humanoid patients, his large ears dragging on the floor. Zexion took one final look at the animal's chart, before tossing it aside and picking up the next one. "Who's next?" he called, making no attempt to mask his discontent. A young woman with red hair and what appeared to be stitches all over her face entered, the right sleeve of her shabby sweatshirt limp. "And you are...?" said Zexion.

"I need some extra heavy-duty thread, for stitches," she replied unapologetically, gesturing towards the limp sleeve. "My arm fell off again and I've got nothing left to sew it back with."

Zexion stared at her for a few dumbstruck seconds, before the girl sighed and unzipped her shirt, her tank top exposing, as she had claimed, a missing right arm; there appeared to be leaves sticking out of her shoulder where it should have been attached. "It's not like I'm asking for pain meds, just some thread," she said. "Do you, um... know where I can go for that?"

Before Zexion could answer, Doctor Larxene Cuddy entered, chart in hand, a somewhat surprised expression on her face at the girl and her state of undress.

"Damn, I was just about get out my condoms," Zexion said, snapping his finger in mock disappointment. "You don't want to watch, do you?"

She sighed. "Oh, stop it. House, I got a case for you," she said.

"Oh, has the Great and Powerful Oz come to take me back to Kansas?" he said, the girl on the table watching them in mild interest and confusion.

"Just come with me," Larxene sighed, then staring at the girl's shoulder. "Do you... need anything?" she asked.

"Some heavy-duty thread; my arm fell off again," the girl replied. Nodding slightly, a little confused, Larxene rummaged through a drawer and took out a plastic packet of stitches, and handed them to the girl; Zexion simply watched, boredly.

"Thank you!" she said, positioning her jacket back on the empty socket, and skipping out the door. Larxene then exited herself, Zexion following behind.

"So, what've you got for me?" he asked.

"White female, age 21, suffered from chest pains before turning suddenly violent," Larxene reported, reading the chart. "She was at a 'cheering-up party' apparently, and grabbed the knife they were cutting the cake with."

"Ooh, a desperate housewife?" said Zexion. "You just never know when they're going to snap."

"Unmarried," Larxene said, a bit poisonously. "She just has a boyfriend, he's with her."

"Same thing," said Zexion, and took out his bottle of Vicodin. "It's just stress, she's probably one of those anal super-moms, without the mom. She'll be fine."

Rolling her eyes, Larxene thrust the chart at his chest before he could swallow a pill. "Just look at her," she said. "You won't be disappointed."

Walking away, Zexion took a nice ogle at Larxene's behind, before receiving a jolt of electricity, which was quite surprising. "I know you're looking, House!" she called. Shaking off the shock and swallowing a pill, he entered his office, where his three fellows were waiting, clustered around the empty white board: the debonair, Australian Xigbar Chase; the snarky, no-nonsense Axel Foreman; and Demyx Cameron, who was ever the dissenter amongst them.

"Differential diagnosis," he stated, hanging his cane on the edge of the white board and uncapping a marker: he wrote _Chest Pain_, and below it, _Violence._ "What causes a perfectly happy woman to go crazy in the middle of a 'cheering-up' party?"

"Cheering-up?" Xigbar echoed. "What in the world is..."

"Skip the questions, get to the matter at hand," said Zexion. "Foreman, Cameron?"

"If the symptoms are chest pain, it could have been exhaustion," Demyx offered. "Was she active?"

"Come on, you don't run marathons at cheering-up parties. What are you, a moron?" said Zexion. "Foreman?"

"Heart attack, maybe?" he said. "The violence could be attributed to panic... but I-"

"Good. Get her started on a Potion drip, and rest," Zexion said, grabbing his cane again. "She should be out in a day."

"Where are you going?" Demyx asked. "We have a heart attack, but what caused it?"

"My show's on," he replied. "Besides, Mickey gets pissy whenever he misses an episode of Spongebob."

"Mickey...?" Demyx said, as Zexion began to leave.

Axel sighed. "House, how old is she?"

"Twenty-one," Zexion replied.

"How can a healthy 21-year old have a heart attack?" said Xigbar.

"Cake is horrible on the arteries at any age," Zexion replied. "Besides, that's for you to find out. Search her family history for heart disease, check and see if she's been drinking, run the standard tests... You know the drill."

Zexion was out the door and out of sight in mere moments, so Axel took charge. "I'll get that Potion drip started..." he said. "I suppose I can trust you two to get some research done without making out in the middle of it?"

"Go _away_, Foreman," Xigbar said annoyedly, and Axel left. Demyx glanced at Xigbar once he was gone, and they were silent for a brief while.

"Well, come on," he said. "We should follow him."

Xigbar sighed, and together they followed Axel to the room where their patient was being kept.

--

"I had a heart attack? Oh, goodness, I _knew_ I wasn't eating right..." Aerith said, sitting in bed and looking very worried.

"We don't know that yet," said Xigbar, as Axel fixed a green Potion drip to her IV. "It could have been exhaustion, a strained muscle... for now, we're taking the safe road out."

"Will she be okay?" said Cloud, his voice stoic and somewhat unattached.

"Of course. She's in good hands," said Demyx. "Any pain since you arrived?"

"No; I'm feeling fine, actually," Aerith replied, and smiled. "Peachy keen!"

"Let's just hope it stays that way," said Axel, smiling a little. "So, does anyone in your family have a history of heart disease?"

"Oh, goodness, no; not that I can think of," she replied, putting her finger on her lip.

"Been drinking lately?" Axel continued, and Aerith turned slightly red.

"No, I don't drink," she replied.

"Drugs are a no too, I'm guessing?" Demyx asked lightly, and Aerith nodded a bit embarrassedly.

"We'll be doing some tests on your blood for basic infections," said Xigbar, readying a needle. "You're going to feel a little poke, all right?"

Aerith nodded, as the green drip of Potion continued on.

--

"There you are. I've been looking all over for you."

Zexion looked up from where he was sitting, his feet leaned up against the table in Coma-Gal's room (actually home to a comatose girl named Snow White that was suffering from a rather bad case of Sleep Status, though hardly anyone came to visit her any more), his pet rat, Mickey McKing, in his lap. Lexaeus Wilson, his friend and roommate, stood in the doorway of the room with a stern look on his face. "Cuddy sent me to get you when Cameron said you went off after meeting with them," he said. "You're back on clinic duty."

"Damn, already?" said Zexion, pouting and looking at the television screen. "It was just getting to the good part. Mickey agrees with me."

"House..." Lexaeus groaned. "Get up, she won't hound your ass so much if you just go along with it. I'm sure there's someone interesting in the clinic right now for you to play with."

Zexion sighed and turned off the TV, following Wilson into the clinic and an examination room (Mickey put in his cage back in Coma-Gal's room), his charts left somewhat unchanged. A man with dreadlocks and a dazed look on his face sat in wait.

"Ah, there you are," he said, and got up, swaggering drunkenly as he approached them. "I've got a bit of a problem 'ere, chaps; I can see me bones in the moonlight, an' that ain't quite natural. Savvy? I reckon there's somethin' wrong with me eyes."

Although his face didn't show it, Zexion was horribly amused.

"You owe me," Lexaeus said cheerily, and walked away as the patient continued on about some sort of spot on his hand.

--

An hour or so later, Demyx had been assigned to watch Aerith while Axel and Xigbar went and performed some tests, which he didn't really mind; he liked talking to patients, after all.

"So what exactly is a cheering-up party?" he asked, crossing his arms good-naturedly and smiling.

"Oh! That," said Aerith, and she laughed. "My boyfriend broke his arm, and he got a little depressed over it. So I threw him a party! I think it might have worked a little, though that little episode of mine sure ruined it, I think."

"It's okay," said Demyx, glancing at Cloud, who was standing outside by himself for some reason. "You can throw another one as soon as you're better. But for now, we have to wait. The test results on your blood should be coming back soon."

Aerith nodded, feeling a little sleepy, her head lolling over a bit. "I may take a nap, is that all right?" she asked.

"Perfectly fine; we have you on monitors and everything," said Demyx, so she smiled and began to doze off.

Suddenly, her eyes snapped open, and she doubled over, clutching her fist near her heart.

"Aerith? Aerith, are you okay?" Demyx said urgently, but she snarled in reply and tried to bite him; the heart monitors began to rise rapidly, sending off warning beeps. "Somebody get a nurse in here!" he cried, getting a good distance away as a small cluster of nurses entered.

"We need to sedate her, she's having another episode!" Cloud had rushed in to see what was going on, and watched in alarm as a nurse managed to stick a syringe in Aerith's arm, which sedated her.

"What just went on here?" Axel said, coming in the room with test results in his hands.

"She had another episode; heart rate went postal, sudden violence, but... her eyes started glowing this time," he noted thoughtfully.

"Jeesh. All tests are negative, too," said Xigbar.

"I'll go get House," said Axel. "If the old bastard wasn't interested before, he'll sure be interested now."

--

"I've been... moody, lately," the monstrous creature sitting on the exam table said, playing with his furry, clawed fingers. "And this hair growth has been making me a little disturbed."

"If I were you, buddy, I'd lay off the steroids and learn how to shave," Zexion replied.

"I know, I know, it's just... my girlfriend. She... says I've never been so good in bed, and it feels... kinda good," he replied.

"Have a good talk with her about it, then," said Zexion, tossing the man's chart aside. "You've got nothing to worry about; you scored the one chick with a bestiality fetish, I'd congratulate you."

"Bestiality...?" he said confusedly, as the door opened, Demyx entering.

"House, she's gotten worse," he reported.

"Who? Our desperate not-housewife?" said Zexion, and Demyx nodded.

"We got a new symptom, too: glowing eyes," he said.

"Really!" said Zexion, with unusual enthusiasm. "Well, we'd better take a look. Goodbye, my furry friend, and have some fun tonight. Don't forget: industrial-strength condoms are _always_ the best."

"House!" Demyx said, as the two of them left. "That was... disgusting!"

"Hey, just dispensing some useful advice," Zexion replied. "You done anything since the attack?"

"No, it wasn't too long ago," said Demyx.

"Good, I want to take a look at her," said Zexion, and stopped momentarily as he saw Aerith lying in the bed, her eyes closed from the medicated sleep. "Yowza."

"What?" said Demyx.

"Well, now I'm definitely interested," he said, his eyebrows rising high on his forehead in anticipation and a smug smile on his face. "Let's have a looksee, here." He opened the door and Cloud looked up, a bit surprised by this unexpected entry.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"This is Doctor House, he's going to be helping Aerith," Demyx explained, before Zexion could say anything that would hurt his image further. "And he's going to _do his job_, nothing else."

"Pff. You're no fun, Cameron," Zexion said, and stood at Aerith's bedside, his eyebrows raised in what seemed to be delight. "When I finally get a piece of eye-candy, you won't even let me lick it?"

"House!" Demyx said, horrified, as Cloud glared. Zexion rolled his eyes and reached for one of Aerith's arms, but Cloud slapped it away.

"Don't touch her!" he said.

"I'm a doctor, it's what I'm supposed to do," Zexion said. "Moron," he added for good measure. As non-sexually as he could, he lifted up her bangs and seemed to be looking for something.

"What in the world are you-?" Demyx began, before Zexion found whatever he was searching for.

"Ah-ha! See that? That's a status mark," he said, pointing to a slightly-red, slightly-inflamed ring on Aerith's forehead. "Why did you guys miss this? You're even more incompetent than I thought."

"I didn't see-" Demyx began, but Zexion continued on.

"Has she been around any mages lately?" he asked Cloud.

"Well... our neighbor Rikku's been messing around with spheres, recently, and she's not exactly the smartest thing..." Cloud replied. "I dunno if she was bitten, though."

"Berserker Status," Zexion concluded. "Get Foreman and tell him to change the Potion drip to an Elixer, and put a Ribbon on her. She'll be fine in a couple of hours, even if it isn't Berserker."

"Just that?" said Demyx, as Zexion hobbled away.

"Just that," he said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to drown my sorrows at the clinic."

Demyx and Cloud stood there for a short while, before Demyx shuffled off to get Axel and report what Zexion had said.

Zexion, however, was presented with a rather familiar face back at the clinic.

"What are you doing back here?" he asked the mouse atop the elephant, whose eyes were now rather red and unfocused.

"I can see... pink... pink elephants," he said drowsily, before hiccuping.

"You're drunk. Go home and get out of here," Zexion demanded, and the elephant tumbled out of the room, the mouse crooning some sort of song as they left.

--

Aerith was awake an hour or so later, and rather cheerful in regards to the pink ribbon that had been placed in her hair by the nursing staff.

"I feel so much better!" she declared. "Do you know when I can go home? I feel fine!"

"We'll wait a few hours, just to make sure," Axel said, checking the readout of Aerith's heart monitors. "You should be able to be discharged by the end of the day."

"Fantastic! I can't wait to go home," Aerith said.

"Me too," Cloud said softly, and held her hand. "Are you thirsty? Would you like something to drink?"

"Oh... I'd like a soda, please! Strawberry, if you can find one," Aerith said, and Cloud nodded, leaving the room to head to the vending machines. Aerith hummed a little as Axel finished looking at some things, wiggling her toes beneath the blanket. "Ahh... I hope the cake I made kept; I think Tifa put it in the fridge for me."

"If it didn't, you can always make another one," Demyx said cheerfully. "Cakes are replaceable, but you sure aren't!"

"Yep, I guess so!" Aerith said, as Cloud returned with a can in hand.

"They didn't have strawberry, so I got lemon-lime. Is that okay?" he asked. Instantly, Aerith's face darkened.

"Okay?! I told you to get strawberry!" she shrieked, sitting up suddenly. "You bastard, get me strawberry!"

"Aerith...?" he said softly, backing away a little, as Aerith glared at Axel.

"You! Spike-head, get me outta here!" she demanded, tearing at her IV and sending blood and shining Elixer spattering all over the room.

"Nurse, nurse!" Demyx called, frightened, but Aerith had hopped out of bed and was well on her way out into the lobby, growling all the way. Not only were her eyes glowing, frightening the patients and staff, but it seemed she was trailing streaks of darkness as she ran. People ran everywhere, trying to get out of the way, and she seemed to be heading for the exit.

House was back in the clinic, tending to a young blonde woman that was showing him her foot.

"I think I'll need stitches," she said, referring to the large, deep gashes in the sole.

"Just what exactly did you step on?" Zexion asked.

"Oh, nothing, really; I was just wearing some... new shoes," she replied, a little sheepishly.

"Mind showing me said shoes?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I only have one with me..." she said, and reached into her purse, taking out a tiny, beautifully-crafted glass pump.

"...this is made of glass," he said. "The other one didn't break, by any chance?"

"I think it might have... it just kinda slipped off, really," she replied.

"You're an idiot," he said, and the woman glared back in outrage. "Go to the emergency room, for Disney's sake, and they'll stitch you-"

At that moment, Aerith went running by the clinic in her hospital gown, trailing darkness, and Zexion stopped to watch. She stood for a moment, wildly whipping her head about, before she clutched her chest and gave out a primal scream. Her surroundings erupted in darkness, before it disappeared to reveal her lying on the floor.

"Well, isn't that interesting," he said, as nurses rushed to make sure she was okay.

--

"Chest Pains, Sudden Violence, Glowing Eyes; now Darkness and Fainting..." Zexion said, writing the new symptoms on the whiteboard. "It's obviously not Berserker Status any more. Well, what do we have?"

"Absolutely nothing!" Demyx replied, exasperatedly "House, honestly, there's nothing that the tests have confirmed!"

"Then _try again_," Zexion said. "Honestly, you three."

"We've tried _everything_, House," said Axel. "We've done every sort of test imaginable on her blood."

"Try a body scan," said Zexion.

"Her boyfriend's objecting," Xigbar said flatly. "She's practically a vegetable, now, too."

"We can force it!" Axel said.

"She's got no other family to consent..." said Demyx.

"We can still force it!" Axel said. Zexion sighed.

"You know what? Why don't you come to a conclusion together? I'm obviously not helping," he said sourly, and limped out of his office. After a bit of silence, the Cottages returned to their arguing.

--

"House, what are you doing all the way over here?"

This time it was Larxene that found Zexion in Coma-Gal's room, brooding with Mickey as he watched an episode of E.R.

"I'm trying to think," he said. "Why is it always so much more simple on the television?"

"I have _no_ idea," Larxene replied sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "Well, if you're not going to help with the patient, get your ass back in the clinic."

"What, already?" he said. "Drat."

"Out. Now," Larxene said, pointing to the hallway. Grabbing his cane in one hand, and Mickey in the other, he deposited the rat on Larxene's head on his way out.

"All right, then, I'll leave," he said, and limped to the clinic.

A rather nervous-looking young man with blue eyes sat on the table, with a sleeping girl around his age leaning against him.

"Well, I wonder who's the sick one here!" Zexion said, making no effort to hide his sarcasm.

"It's... my girlfriend. She won't wake up," the young man said.

"Any particular reason why?" said Zexion, barely glancing at the chart.

"Well... she passed out while we were... _you_ know," he said, blushing quite a lot.

"Having sex?" Zexion offered rather loudly, and the patient nodded. "My, that's one hell of an orgasm. She should wake up soon; judging from your disheveled hair and clothes, it's only been a few hours since you did the nasty."

"No, it's... different," said the boy. "It's been three days at least."

"Three days, huh?" said Zexion. "_Hell _of an orgasm. What exactly where you doing when she passed out?"

"Well, we wanted to try out this thing in this manual that my friend lent me; it looked like fun..." he said sheepishly. "It was something about 'intimate sharing of hearts' or something."

Zexion stared at the boy incredulously. "You moron," he said. "Sharing hearts? That's literal, you know."

"Oh... oh, god, does that mean her heart is-" he said, and Zexion nodded.

"Napping somewhere in yours; I'll send you to Doctor Ansem, he'll have it remov-"

Suddenly, he stopped, realizing something. Finally, he knew how he could cure Aerith.

"Remove my heart, or just hers?" the boy said, snapping him out of his thoughts. "Will she be okay?"

"You'll be fine," Zexion said, idly scratching something for the boy on a piece of paper. "Second floor, room 234."

As the boy thanked him, he hobbled back into his office and demanded that they make a body scan of Aerith, damn what her boyfriend said. Needless to say, Axel was quite excited to have gotten his way.

--

"I don't believe it," Demyx said softly, looking at the white blob of matter on the readout. "She has no internal organs!"

"That's because her body is missing," Zexion said matter-of-factly. "She's essentially just a giant heart with a human-mask on it."

"Then what do we do?" Xigbar asked.

"We're gonna have to trap us a Nobody," said Zexion brightly, smirking a bit.

"...but aren't _we_ Nobodies?" Axel said.

"The difference between us and her is that we're looking for a body for her heart, and not the other way around. Much easier," he said. "Bodies are much stupider than hearts, they don't wander away."

"So how do we trap a Nobody in the first place?" said Demyx.

Zexion stood in thought for a short while, before scowling.

"What is it?" said Xigbar.

"...dammit. I'm gonna have to call Tritter," he groaned.

"Tritter? Why him?" said Demyx.

"He's got the only good bait for hunting wabbits," Zexion said, limping out of the room and into the lobby. "Be back later, darling kiddies. Don't do anything stupid."

Within minutes, he was on his motorcycle and on his way to Vexen Tritter's house, the one man that he utterly despised more than anything else (except for maybe Marluxia, that asshole of a man that his wife had to marry after him) and the only one that could help him.

Vexen answered the door to his apartment with surprising grace, chewing a piece of gum. "Well well well, House, I never expected to see you here, of all places. How'd you get my address?"

"Don't you have children to molest?" Zexion shot back. "Listen, I need to ask a favor."

"If you'd like more time in jail, I'd be more than happy to provide it," Vexen said smoothly.

"No thanks, I'll pass," Zexion said. "I need a heart."

"Don't we all?" said Vexen.

"A _fake_ one," Zexion said sourly. "Good bait."

"Bait for _what, _exactly?" said Vexen, crossing his arms in mild interest.

"We're hunting wabbits," Zexion replied, in quite a deadpan manner.

"So I see," Vexen said. "Well, stay outside; I won't have you mucking around in my house. You're going to _pay_ for this, obviously?"

"What is this, a drug deal?" Zexion replied.

"Indeed," said Vexen, and closed the door. He returned a few minutes later with a pulsing, brown paper bag in hand, and handed it to him. "Hopefully this'll work – you do owe me now, you know."

"That's for me to know and you to find out," Zexion said, and left without so much as a thank you.

Unfortunately for Zexion, it seemed that bad encounters indeed came in threes; taking a walk outside the apartment complex where Tritter lived was his ex-wife, Hikarix, and her husband Marluxia. He decided to try and ignore it, but as he was getting on his helmet, he couldn't help but say, "I hope you get impaled by a Keyblade, Marluxia, you sunuvaheartless!" before speeding off back to Kingston Plainsboro Teaching Hospital.

"Is that your insane ex-husband?" Marluxia asked.

"So it would seem," Hikarix sighed, and they continued onward into the night.

--

Needless to say, the Cottages and Larxene were rather unimpressed with what House had come back with.

"That's going to get her Nobody back?" Larxene said, a bit digustedly; the fake heart was dull and pulsed rather sickeningly with loud thumps.

"When put in the right place, it will," Zexion said, and took it in one hand as he left his office; he smirked at his double entendre, though it wasn't a very good one and nobody really noticed. With Larxene and the rest in tow, he proceeded to invade Lexaeus's office, much to his discontent.

"What's this now?" he said, a bit distressed. "House, what are you doing?"

"Hunting wabbits," he said; the joke was beginning to grow on him a little. "Mind if we use your office as a trap for a Nobody?"

"Why not use your own, or Cuddy's? It's _my_ office," he argued.

"Yours has optimum Nobody drawing power, though," Zexion replied. "You know we're all just suckers for giant windows."

Lexaeus, unable to come up with a rebuttal, sighed and simply said, "fine," before House placed the fake heart on his chair and stood aside to watch. A string was attached to the thing to allow them to move it when the Nobody showed up. They waited for quite a while, until a (pink, of all colors) Dusk appeared out of nowhere and began wiggling its way towards the fake heart. Xigbar, who had been put in charge of holding the string, began to gently pull it out of the office; the Dusk followed. Slowly, he moved along, Zexion and the rest of them following behind with rapt attention. Eventually, they got to Aerith's room, where he let the heart rest and closed the door behind him, leaving the Dusk and Aerith's heart alone. The Dusk poked at the fake heart for quite a while, before noticing that its heart was lying on a nearby bed. With an almost gleeful leap, it jumped on top of Aerith and disappeared. Aerith's eyes opened shortly afterward, and she yawned.

"Wow, what a nap!" she said, stretching. "Cloud, where'd you go? Did you get the soda yet?"

"Now I wish it were that simple for _us,_" Axel said gloomily, as Cloud was led back in by a nurse.

"I gotta get a few hours off clinic duty for this," Zexion said, nudging Larxene slightly.

"You wish," she said. "You're back in, first thing tomorrow morning."

"Damn," Zexion said, and got up to leave.

"And where are you going?" Demyx asked.

"My office. I think it's time for some music," he replied, walking away. "I have a feeling that Baba O'Riley misses me."

--

Aerith went home just fine the day afterward, her body and heart safely back where they belong; she was given a Magnera Ring, just to be on the safe side, however. The cake hadn't kept very well in her absence, but she decided to make a new one. It was much better than the last one.

-- NEXT TIME, ON ZEXION HOUSE, M.D. --

_House faces his strangest patient yet!_

_The young boy from the Aerith case returns to the clinic with his girlfriend, excited that she's expecting a baby, but with strange symptoms of his own._

"I've heard of sympathy pregnancy, but I think there might be something wrong with me."

_A swollen stomach, mood swings, and general sickness. What could be wrong with him?_

_As Demyx examines him with an ultrasound, he makes a startling discovery!_

"Oh my... I think this boy's pregnant!"

_Now House must race against time to figure out how this new patient got in his condition. How can he be cured?_

_And more importantly, what sort of thing is sucking the life out of this poor boy??_

"Ahh!! What is that thing??"

-- FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON ZEXION HOUSE, M.D. --

**Author's Notes**

Okay, so that last bit was somewhat of a joke. But, depending on how well this goes, I might write it!

Short bit of recognition, the character of Hikarix belongs to ReverseSky. Casting her as Stacey was my idea.

I hope you enjoyed this little piece of crack, and please review!


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